The Mailbag

I passed 100 posts this week, and over the 8 months I’ve been writing Rhoades to Madness, I have accumulated a lot of mail from my adoring fans. I mean, a lot of mail. Tons. So much mail. Yep.

Mail.

Anyway, I thought it would be an absolute hoot to answer some totally real e-mails from completely non-fictional people that I’m really not just making up as I type this post. I hope you poor dumb bastards are ready to Laugh. Out. Loud.

Dear Alex,

I have been reading your blog since before you started writing it. Can you tell me a little bit about the process of writing it, how you come up with ideas, how you structure your sentences, how you apply punctuation, how you choose the pictures, how you [edited for length] what your favorite Chipmunk is and in general how I can become just like you in every way.

Sincerely,

Your Biggest Fan

Mmmkay. Not creepy at all. But I will answer the first question in the hopes that you will never try and contact me again. Writing Rhoades to Madness is a lot like solving a Rubix Cube. I work at it until it makes me feel like the stupidest person alive and then I throw it against the wall and tell it to go fuck itself as I smash the remaining pieces with a big hammer. Then I glue everything back together and say I solved it.

Dear Mr. Rhoades,

WHY WON’T YOU TAKE ME SERIOUSLY AS A WRITER OF COMPLETELY SERIOUS THINGS THAT ARE SERIOUS

I’ve never written to a blogger before because I feel that they – as a species – are sub-human and thus beneath my level of discourse. You are no different, and I just wanted to let you know that. I do, however, like all the tits you post. Those rawk.

Yours,

Katie in Colorado

Well, thank you, Katie. I guess. Honestly, as much as I like posting pictures of attractive women, it sometimes feels like my writing gets overshadowed and I get more pageviews from that than anything else. My post about Yvonne Strahovsky a few months back is still by far the most popular post on my blog and I certainly don’t feel that has been my greatest achievement here. I could just stop altogether and alleviate the fears that I’m not being taken seriously as a writer *fart* but I don’t think that’s any better than purposefully posting lewd pictures just for the sake of pageviews. As much as I’d like to be über-popular AND taken seriously, I strongly suspect neither will happen, so I might as well keep on posting incredibly random topics, utter gibberish, and gorgeous ladies.

Hey You,

What the fuck is with all that dumb shit you post?

Anonymous

Good question, assface. I assume you mean the “Streets” series that is often absolute nonsense and most recently gave birth to the amazing MacGyver & Magnum event. (Which, by the way, you should read or re-read with the help of these links: Part I – Part II – Part III – Behind the Scenes ) The simple fact is that I love surrealistic garbage and also love writing it. Or, I could be telling a very deep, intricately woven storyline that will plumb the very depths of your SOUL. Or something else. I’m surprised that you can even comprehend language because you have an ass for a face. Your mother must be so proud.

Because she also has an assface.

Hey guy,

Most sane bloggers pick a topic and generally write about just that topic so that their readers know what to expect from them. You might wanna try something like that.

Juan from the Lawn

I don’t know why most of the mail that I am making up on the spot have received is so disrespectful! I think I’ve been pretty nice to you bucktoothed, ignorant knuckle-draggers. But anyway, to answer your non-question, writing about one thing all the time would bore me to freaking tears. I’m not some monkey banging on cymbals for your amusement! I’m a human being, dammit! With feelings and emotions and…organs and stuff. Maybe you should try broadening your stupid horizons, Juan. If that even is your real name.

Well, that’s enough of that. Next time, I’ll be sure and fabricate publish more favorable correspondence. Until then, keep a sharp eye on the Rhoades to Madness!