A Huge Pile of Mail

Oh dear lord, it’s not that time again, isn’t it?

I don’t even understand why I should do this. I don’t even get any…

All right, fine.

 

Dear Alex,

What are your pageviews? I want to laugh at how puny they are.

Sincerely,

Chuckles

 

What an unbearably boring question. “Oh Alex, I want to read about numbers! I’m sexually aroused by statistics!” Let me guess, you’ve developed some kind of “Fantasy CPA” game where you draft accountants and track them through an entire tax season and you would compete with your friends if you had any. That’s really nice for you.

Anyway, my pageviews are just fine, thanks. I crossed the 25k mark just last week and thanks to a huge – if completely unexplained – spike earlier this week, I’ll likely hit 28k by the end of Sunday. Although, to be completely honest, 90% of this traffic is still being driven in by that damned Yvonne Strahovski post I made in February. Other people are apparently turned on by something other than numbers: Nine month old blog posts.

 

Rhoades to Madness,

Your blog lifts me up when I’m feeling blue, makes me laugh when I am crying, gives me a reason to believe that there is good in the world. I honestly don’t know what I’d do without you. Really, I don’t. You can never stop. Never.

Love,

A Fan

 

Hey everyone, it’s Kathy Bates! Big round of applause for Kathy Bates! And if that wasn’t Kathy Bates…holy fuck, you’re creeping me the hell out. As much as I would enjoy a slavishly devoted fanbase, I don’t really want the ones that would feed on my flesh to gain a portion of my power if given the opportunity.

 

Hey Dude,

You got good taste in hot women for…you know, being a queer an’ all. Howsabout some babes that maybe ain’t big names yet?

Classy as Molassy

 

Both your sister and your girlfriend can testify to the fact that I’m not a queer (not that there’s anything wrong with that), were they capable of rational thought right at the moment. As a salve to your shattered male ego, here’s some ladies that warrant more attention:

Abigail Spencer has built a career out of small but memorable guest appearances and small roles in movies. She’s appeared in everything from CSI to Castle to Suits, and in big films like Cowboys & Aliens and This Means War. And she had the (dubious?) distinction of being one of Don Draper’s mistresses on Mad Men.

Currently starring in ABC Family’s Pretty Little Liars, Lucy Hale hasn’t exactly had a career rich in geekdom. But she’s done guest spots on How I Met Your Mother and CSI: Miami. And she was also in the quickly-and-deservedly-cancelled NBC reboot of Bionic Woman back in 2007. She could probably use a better agent.

By contrast, Lauren Cohan has had a career firmly entrenched in geekdom, appearing in Supernatural and The Vampire Diaries. She also spent a half-season on Chuck, playing the geek-turned-spy’s misguided arch-enemy. And right now she’s off killing zombies on AMC’s acclaimed horror-survival drama, The Walking Dead.

 

dear mommy,

what are 50 states?

love

billy

 

Okay, pretty sure this ended up in the wrong mailbox somehow, but here goes anyway:

Missouri, Illinois, Rhode Island, Las Vegas, Alaska, California, Apricot, Disneyland, Oregon, Washington, Bisquick, New Amsterdam, Constantinople, Pittsburgh, Delaware, Puerto Rico, Springfield, Jefferson, The Hague, Arizona, Colorado, Wyoming, January, Pepsi, Nova Scotia, Idaho, Chuck Woolery, Marzipan, Platypus, Kentucky Fried Chicken, Kamchatka, Maine, Wisconsin, Mesopotamia, Montana, Roanoke, Wal-Mart, Vagisil, Latveria, Anvilania, Europe, Ohio, Indiana, Xanax, Themyscira, Dollywood, Oregon, District of Columbia, Rhombus, Fittycent.

 

Dear Alex,

Is your blog ever going to, oh I don’t know, get good?

Sincerely,

Honest Tea (but not that one)

 

No.

Dammit! I said Oregon twice. The other state is Gofuckyourself.

 

 

Well, that just about wraps up another entirely successful attempt at whatever the hell this was. Join us again next time when…